Mark Wahlberg did not wear A hat!

Right before the film started I was just hoping he’d wear a hat. I mean what are the chances of not wearing a hat in a feature long film? But to my disappointment he didn’t wear one and he didn’t even look away from an explosion in slow motion. In fact, I’m pretty sure I recall there being absolutely no explosions (or at least one very stupid explosion). Right, that’s it! Who fucking kidnapped Michael Bay?! And where is he so I can give him a medal? A solid gold transformers medal that he has to buy himself … Obviously.

I don’t think many people were taking hits from the Bong Of Destiny when they thought of this films premise.

The story is as rehashed and underwhelming as you can get in the age of raping every good franchise from the 80’s. And this film isn’t even a remake. Not that I know of anyway, unless this was secretly supposed to be the first film of the 80’s video game Contra … and the characters from that game formed a band???

But If you do want to know the story from a film that has the least scariest drug lord in Giovanni Ribisi

“To protect his brother-in-law from a drug lord, a former smuggler heads to Panama to score millions of dollars in counterfeit bills.” – Imdb. This Synopsis was brought to you by Tripod Film’s CBA(can’t be arsed) umbrella corporation, excreting the shit out of films everyday. Whoa, back up … He has to leave for Panama to protect his brother-in-law and ultimately protect his family? Just kill the drug lord and his gang or at least stay home so you can kill them in self defence if they try anything. You’re Marky mark freakin’ Max payne, freakin’ Elliot Moore, freakin’ Bob lee swagger Wahlberg and … well … you should damn well bloody do something!

This Film is so mind numbingly average!

The Acting – Distinctly average.

The Script – Distinctly average.

The Direction – Distinctly average

The thought of this film re-done in 4D and having to smell wahlberg’s B.O. – Stinkingly distinct of averageness.

By the way I’m not sure where the 4D bit came from but if I do see some smell-o-vision film in the future sometime it best not be made up of James Cameron’s farts!

Small Points of the film that weren’t actually average

Well the cargo ships holding massive amounts of containers was beautifully captured by some excellent cinematography from the same guy that did Hurt Locker, Barry Ackroyd. It did have some moments that made me laugh even if it was supposed to be unintentional i.e making homoerotic comments about some guy eating you and then joking that a guy’s room is full of pussy because there are a load of cats in there. The one gunfight scene was well done and had some Heat style aspects put in but it would have been great if there were more consistency. Especially at the end as I felt like it needed some kinda full-blown slow motion blow shit up scene however it still was a tense enough ending so it didn’t bother me too much.

Basically I give the game Contra and it’s band

Sorry, The film Contraband gets 2.5 iconic hat wearers out of 5.

and the .5 goes to …


Safe House

Denzel Walks, Will Smith Walks … Mark Wahlberg is wearing A hat!

It’s been a while guys and apart from James Knowlands great John Carter review (which you should check out if you haven’t already) I’ve been ignoring the number 1 rule of the Internet … Watch porn, whoops, erm i mean post content on a regular basis. I do apologise for not putting pure brilliance out on a weekly basis but when you ‘re busy playing the best game of the year (Mass Effect 3) it’s hard to keep track of things. But I am erected, er, I mean, effected no more!

Ryan Reynolds!? and not Marky mark!? Damn, that’s a shame! He was so good in Max Payne. I just wanted to compliment him on his amazing acting. He’s in Contraband?… I’ve Seen Contraband!

Future review of a hat wearing/non hat wearing Contraband Mark Wahlberg will come in due time. But for now the review of Safe House, that’s still in the UK cinemas would you believe even though it came out on the 24th … of February,  will be dumped on your eyes as if it was green lantern’s feces.

South Africa. CIA. Tobin Frost. Matt Weston

Safe House involves a slightly overdone but in the end good story of an ex-CIA suspected terrorist, Tobin Frost(Washington), who gives himself up to save his hide from getting shot to pieces by stereotypical Arabic people with customised Modern warfare like guns. He’s then taken to Matt Weston(Reynolds) safe house for interrogation by the CIA. The extremely misjudged Asian/African people show up that probably just wanted to go on the rubber dinghy rapids and are forced, via the script, to kill all of the CIA agents apart from Frost and Weston who are only spared so that the story can progress. Once Weston has Frost on the move and in his “supposed” captivity he has the task of keeping himself alive, keeping frost alive and keeping his girlfriend safe.

Reynolds’ hot french Girlfriend: So Where the hell have you been?

Reynolds: I was with Denzel, we homoerotically wrestled each other, then he joked if I was gay and then nothing happened after that. I swear.Apart from laughing about Mark Wahlberg wearing a hat.

Both Laugh in a maniacal fashion.

Washington and Reynolds made this film theirs. The comradery between them was quite funny at times with friendly sarcastic retorts from the two making the scenes without them seem really dull. Denzel’s performance was man on fire esque giving cold tough stares directly towards the camera making you think this guys a bad ass, if you didn’t know already and were living under the sea with Aquaman. Reynolds however not being to the same standard as his turn in Buried, although I don’t think he ever will be, filled his likeable everyman character with a ticking emotional bomb that seemed to go off every time he was knee deep in shit … which is pretty much the whole film. He did do a good job though and it’s also thanks to the same fight choreographer from the film Taken, Olivier Schneider, you weren’t pulled out of the realism that most CIA attributed films don’t show. His Character is an inexperienced fighter and it shows in the way he’s bar room brawling. It takes along time for him to put someone down that already has the jump on him and the fight scenes become as realistic as Haywires was. Thank god this had an actual story compared to Haywire.


The film had tense action and scenes filled with much welcomed overkill from Denzel yet became predictable in it’s own pre set Hollywood twist(now a new cocktail .. Patent pending) that you could see a mile off even if Mark Strong wasn’t cast in this film. Excluding Reynolds and Washington the rest of the cast were dull and the dialogue was way too poor in the CIA headquarters scenes that If they’d said free ice-cream I still wouldn’t of …Wait there’s free Ice Cream! Where?

Anyway this movie although solely carried by the two main leads remains a good action thriller

I give Safe House 4 mark wahlbergs with hats on (4 stars out of 5)

P.S click the pictures for more Hyperlink goodies

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Evil shall with evil be expelled

I was hyped for this film. Mainly because of the awesome trailer that shows flashes of the title while a really good Led Zepplin cover is being blasted at you over the top of it. But it was also because it was being directed by David Fincher. A director who can make an everyday task like typing on a keyboard for example and turn it into a tense involving scene that had the same thrills as if we were watching a car chase. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo however involves murder and explicit rape that would mire the film with controversy so that only someone with Fincher’s talent could bring it to the silver screen. It would of also have been brilliant apart from one small problem … It’s been done before.

A discredited investigative journalist, Mikael Blomkvist, is tasked to solve the murder of Harriet Vanger that took place 40 years ago on a remote Swedish island. On this Island he finds himself surrounded by the Vagner family all of whom have some shady secret or another and find themselves as suspects to the killing. Soon finding a dead end he enlists the help of a professional hacker, Lisbeth Salander played by the excellent Rooney Mara. She herself also hides her past and has been on the wrong end of horrible abuse from the authorities. It’s a good story that shows plenty of promise as a film adaptation but as it was the second adaptation to Stieg Larsson’s book it plainly wasn’t needed.

In fact the original was slightly better than Fincher’s version because it didn’t drag on at the end and didn’t include some distracting bond music video at the start. They are basically the same film though and there was a chance in this film to correct the flaws of the original but it annoyingly turned out to be the lesser version of the two. Hollywood must think that people aren’t clever enough to read subtitles so they have to remake all the good foreign language films and “Americanise” them. It’s just bullshit and is definitely not a reason to remake something. Plus the sexual violence in it was not needed for the story and only served to make me cringe throughout. Of course the reason for it being there is to help us understand Lisbeth a bit more but have you ever thought about cutting away before the more horrifying events take place. We can then assume she’s been raped instead of watching images that might distract you from the rest of the film and put it out of context. Then it takes a century … no a millennium (get it? Millenium trilogy! Suit yourselves then) for Lisbeth and Mikael to actually meet with each other. That’s the most important bit of the film and it takes place closer to the end making everything before there meeting seem irrelevant because it took so bloody long to happen. Besides that the crappy bond intro is also way out of context! And having Daniel Craig starring in a film doesn’t automatically make it acceptable as well. Especially when he doesn’t even bother to have a Swedish accent apparently because his character would seem more natural. Well 007 that might make you sound cool but it instantly makes everyone else sound like a total idiot and out of place. Or is that the other way around ….

Ok rant over as I may be starting to get confused.

Don’t get me wrong though this film was actually quite good believe it or not. What it did bring to the table that the original did not was stylish cinematography. The film looks great and makes you feel cold while you watch all the actors freeze to death in the white Swedish landscape. On that note the acting is also grade A and Rooney Mara’s performance, while simililar to that of Noomi Rapace’s, is unrecognisable from her past role as Mark Zuckerberg’s girlfriend in Fincher’s The Social Network. Daniel Craig still did a good job (even with his own “Sean Connery couldn’t be bothered so neither can I” accent) but he put on too much 007 cool and was not like the everyman that Blomkvist was supposed to be. The film itself is a tense ride throughout and you feel like you need to pay constant attention as the story fully engrosses you with the sadistic tales of the families history. As well as that the score by Trent Reznor is a hair-raising and shudder-some sound,  giving that ominous feel to prepare you for disturbing future events. It also put me off the song – Sail Away by Enya and if you’ve seen it you’ll know what I mean.

All being said I’ll give The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo 4 Connerys out of 5. Why Sean Connery? Why not? He’s awesome!

Here’s a part of the score just for you guys. Enjoy!

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows

A game of shadowy bro(lmes)mance that has been Jude Lawfully approved. (The law of jude states that an on-screen bromance can only exist if there is a hint/shadow of homosexuality occurring through the film. It Also states that this should under no circumstances lead into anything other than bromance unless the film was in actual fact the sequel to Brokeback Mountain.)

Most of the time with these reviews I’ll tell you about the story and then go into massive rants on both the good points and the bad. But with this new Sherlock Holmes movie I couldn’t care less about what really happened in it as long as it was entertaining and made me laugh. Thanks to superb casting and witty one-liners it certainly lived up to it’s expectations. Of course now Sherlock is facing his evil arch nemesis Moriaty, played by a twisted and psychopathic Jared Harris, it makes for a more darker film (don’t worry though, this part is my good point rant). Most other franchises have made the 2cnd film with a more sinister feel to it and prevailed. Case In point: Star wars: Episode V. However I seem to be writing too much about star wars lately so The Dark Knight perhaps? Godfather pt 2 maybe? … oh it’s quite obviously Shrek 2! Where puss in boot’s catnip drug running puts a sinister vibe over the whole film. Man that Cat has problems.

Anyway … So evidently the cast is brilliant. With Downey Jr, Law and Harris but Stephen Fry as Mycroft steals every scene he’s in and made me laugh throughout. There is a great scene with him, watson’s wife(Kelly Reilly) and his servants where he is naked whilst decoding a message from his brother Sherlock … STEPHEN FRY … NAKED … ROTFLMAO!!! There also many good scenes with Holmes and Watson including one with a shetland pony. Yet There are a few bad scenes too and just because a cast is great doesn’t make the movie great if there are other things at fault with it.

And now ladies and gentleman let the Bad point rant (Mortal Kombat) commence

The Slow motion was just too superfluous at times especially when they are getting shot at in a forest. Every detail of a rifle firing was shot as if Zach Snyder was the one firing the gun. Every time a bullet whizzed past it was slowed down time and again reducing me to slow-mo boredom, thanks Guy Ritchie! I like slow motion but not when it’s used in every action scene and especially not when the movie drags on for a little more than 2hrs. The female characters in this story simply didn’t do anything in it as well. Rachel Mcadams had the briefest part since Steven Seagal died in the first 10 minutes of Executive Decision. Even though that improved the movie because of Seagals absence it didn’t improve Sherlock Holmes due to McAdams’ quick appearance. Apart From Noomi Rapace throwing some knives around their involvement was pretty low key to say the least.

Even so the downey jr/Law marriage is back and with a fantastic ending to boot that says bring on the 3rd instalment!

Maybe they should have Steven Seagal in it so he can die in the first second this time(10 minutes just seems too long). Seriously how did he get cast in films? He’d be better off as a character on the game Mortal Kombat where Chuck Norris would constantly kill him.

I bet I could finish sentence before Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks me in th ………………………

Sherlock Holmes gets four Stephen Frys and a Steven Seagal. 3 1/2 stars out of 5 in other words.

P.S The Brokeback Mountain link is harmless. Unless you really don’t like laughing at Merchant, Gervais and Pilkington with gay sex noises in the background. Ok now I’ve made the link even dodgier … maybe I should get off the caffeine … or the catnip that a certain Señor Boots was providing.