Ultimate Film Reviews of Ultimate Destiny!!!

So it’s been a while since I last posted anything … Whoops! But it isn’t entirely my fault as I had no Internet for about 2 bloody weeks!!!!

Anyway I decided that I just review all the reviews that I missed by just choosing which Youtube video suits them the best.

You’ll get the idea.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

The Amazing Spiderman

Play these at the same time!

The Dark Knight Rises:

Yes… I know I’m really lazy!

But guess what?

(SUPER KICK TO THE FACE)

Avengers Assemble

Yes, that’s right! You’ve read all those THORED out reviews. All those reviews that you were (nick) furious with and just wanted to run up a (maria) hill. All those reviews that just needed IRONING out and you thought to yourself … Hulk could smash up some better reviews in his sleep. He could give everyone in the world a black (widow) eye for reading the greatness he wrote on some blog that barely has 1,000 views yet. And he would fuel everyone’s previous opinion that this movie is awe-quite a bit … with some coal (son)

Oki loki, I think that’s enough puns for today let’s get on with the review … Hawkeye. 

It’s the super fun time extended epic reality adventure review this week kids! YAAAAY! (so two 21 yr old film geeks over excitingly rant about this film with a high degree of immaturity to each other… for the interwebs entertainment).

So Click here to skip the story part and head straight to mine(Jon Hughes) and James Knowlands chat review.

Following on from the end of Captain America(odd one out in terms of puns. A-merry-can?! That’s just worse than Coal-son) … anyway at the end of the first avenger they have retrieved the Cosmic Cube from the Red Skull. Cosmic Cube being some kind of mythological energy source holding insurmountable potential and the prof guy from Thor, played by Stellan Skarsgard, is trying to work his new found science/magic voodoo on it to make some kind of double rainbow. Who knows?! I really don’t care and it doesn’t matter as Loki starts wrecking the Avengers HQ up just for some attention (probably from his deep seeded emotional departure from his foster dad, Odin). Stealing the Cube and the minds of Skarsgard and that guy with the eye of hawk, he sets out to create a portal that can send an army of aliens through to make earthlings their slaves for eternity. But before the world is turned into a masters of the universe fantasy nerds wet dream, you can count on The Avengers to Assemble just in time. And to have a few issues in which they argue a lot with each other but nothing that get’s too adult in it’s theme e.g abuse, racism, drugs … so we can all live in happy producer 12A land and reap all the money we can out of it. Then The Dark knight will not rise and instead disappointedly flop (no euphemisms) in comparison.


Now let us take this initiative to assemble for our  avengers talk review.

James Knowland: So avengers? What they do wrong?

Jon Hughes:  Not much to be honest. It’s a brilliant film. The only weak points I can think were the alien bad-guys. Who were just total douche-bags. Instead of being called *googles* chitauri they are here by named The Weedy Whedons!

JK: LOL what about the name change? Avengers Assemble is awful compared to just Avengers and I dont think I’ve heard anyone use the new name anyway.

JH: No, but apart from marketing purposes, the name change doesn’t really matter to the actual film itself. It’s still The Avengers but the UK just get to assemble for it. To be honest it’s sorta growing on me now, I like it.

JK: Its only the UK that gets that crap title? And don’t let it grow on you, fungus grows, its a bad thing.
Plus points for Avengers (last word omitted)?

JH: I think so… i do have the power of the internet at my fingers… just like everyone else. But I’ll save a bit of time.

JK: Are you googling “avengers plus points”?

JH:  Noooooo. just whether it was UK exclusive title
And yes, it is
JK: Well that just seems unfair, clearly the yank way of getting back at us for getting it before them.
JH: oh well! it’s not really a stain on the movie itself so…
Anyway seeing as we were in the same cinema and I was sitting right next to you. What did you like the best?
JK: Screen time was well divided, no one character seemed to take over and even the puny human characters had there merits in the fight, oh yeah and they didn’t try to to tone down or refine the hulk thank Thor, how about you?
JH: lol well apart from going into odinsleep when the chatauri skeletor/emperor guy started talking. I’d say your pretty spot on. If you haven’t seen all the other Marvel films – Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Cap A. You might be a bit lost in character development. Plus this isn’t a film for everyone but for the kind of films I like its one of the best this year has to offer.
Especially with the comedic moments of the hulk put in there

When hulk does unrelenting force shout it goes out wrong way …
FUS RO FART!

JK: Yeah does help if people have seen the origin films, particularly for Thor since he drops out of the sky with no intro and its all based round asguardian technology.
And yeah love the Hulk and Mark ruffalo who I wanted to hate for replacing Edward Norton
JH: Exactly but I’m not sure what they could have done to appease the non fan boys anyway so. Mark ruffalo was great in it I thought. he did the whole geek shy thing really well. It’s a shame to see Norton not in it for continuity reasons from the last Hulk film but then again why isn’t Eric Bana not in avengers? Even if that film sucked!
JK: Cause that Hulk version was before Marvel started making their own films the way they wanted (the right way)
JH: True.
Cheesy link coming up … what did you think of cobie smulders a.k.a Maria Hill in the film? Was she as smuldering as Johansson lol
JK: Well to make a fair judgement on that there’d have to be a swimsuit section and more importantly which one slept with me/which one was more dirty and depraved.
JH: Ha ha ha we’ll you had the chance in the film to sleep with one of them when you were the stand in for the hulk. No cgi in this movie! realistic aliens too.
JK: Yeah but work schedule got in the way, slept with some aliens though, they looked much better the night before LOL
JH: LMAO hope they didn’t give you some weird alien std. perhaps thats what loki had in his spear? lol euphemisms.
SPOILER TALK! ONLY FOR THOSE THAT HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE AT LEAST THOR TIMES!
Or, you know,  just once…
JH: Can you explain to me why the Hulk suddenly became good at the end. It was a bit unexplained … to say the least.
JK: How do you mean good? As in not smash everything?
JH: Yeah, not try and kill everything in sight. Hulk sad he no smash everything anymore. Was it because of Banners meditation like abilities? Where apparently he’s always angry.

JK: At the end of the Norton version he makes a reference to “aiming it” not controlling it and at the very end he’s sat there with the metronome and triggers it voluntarily.

JH: Yeah its more back-story that a lot of people havn’t seen or forgotten. So if the whole Marvel universe isnt your thing then its not going to be as good.

JK: My theory would be that cause the first time was stress induced and Banner was fighting it the violent reaction was caused, where as later on when Banner is focused and lets it happen he has more control, kind of like putting a car in to a controlled slide, it is both controlled and uncontrolled which is the very nature of the Hulk.
JH: “We’re not a team, we’re a time bomb” suppose he meant himself there LOL. And i suppose Loki was trying to control him a little while on the Helicarrier.

JK: He did have hold of the staff just prior to it as well.

The S.H.I.E.L.D (Strategic Hazard Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate) Helicarrier.

JH: More spoiler talk:  Do we even care about the Skrull being in 2 seriously? All i care about is if Whedon is going to sign on which hasn’t happened yet.
And whether ant-man will be in the sequel!
JK:  Can’t believe that is being made, if they don’t get Whedon on board they may as well scrap it so I think I’ll wait and see on that one.
SPOILERS END.
JH: Douchey aliens aside this was still everything i wanted in an avengers movie and hey loki was there being as menacing as ever so it still had a great villain just not great villains. The fight scene at the end is so badass that any nitpicks were Thored out buh dum tsch. no ironed out?! ….
JK: Yeah end fight was amazing! Makes the aliens forgiveable.
JH: Well it just makes the aliens bitch slapped into oblivion. Which is were they should of stayed. Or more importanlty hulk smashed into oblivion! I’m not talking about the elder scrolls game by the way.
Any final thoughts James? Well we haven’t talked about Fury, or Hawkeye or Coulson? But there aren’t any major spoiler alerts with those characters now are there?
JK: Well Coulson yes, Hawkeye yes and Fury no cause he’s just a mushroom cloud laying mother fucker. They’re all good, Renner in this has almost got me buying in to the bourne legacy. I was also glad to see that fury lived up to expectations cause he had only been a fleeting character previously so him having more screen time could’ve been a bit of a problem to stretch the character to more than just one liners and helpful hints.
What you reckon?
JH: I just desperately want an ant man film now! It’s supposedly being directed by Edgar Wright as well!
So just because of the rubbish tit-tari aliens and the fact there was no Ant-man we give the Avengers…
4 out of 5 superheroes that didn’t make it into the Avengers.

21 Jump Street

They’re too old for this shift

Shut up Internet! I know I’m supposed to roll out weekly content for anyone to give a damn about my blog but I’m a busy guy, ok! That is if you count playing the xbox as being busy then I suppose that last comment was true… ish.

#I’mNerdyandyouknowit

soo anywho … 21 Jump st review! oh yeah, I’m supposed to be doing that … three weeks ago!!!

Channing Tatum and Jonah hill are two high school drop-outs(go to the same school btw) and yet aren’t the best of friends because of schools own stereotypical social stature. e.g Hill is the nerd and Tatum the jock. Once they both find themselves in police academy (8) they suddenly find themselves becoming the best of friends. But however they’re not the greatest at their job and so they are sent to 21 jump St (undercover high school police operation) to stop a new type of drug being dealt around schools. Meanwhile they now have to go through the new updated high school social groups (with Hill now popular and Tatum with the nerds), still being criticised as worthy policemen and are in turn hilariously lectured by Ice cube.

First off … This movie is probably the funniest movie of the year. The drug scene in which they have 5 different stages of tripping, is just balls out funny (I’m so witty with my comments). Jonah hill is at his comedic best but I’ve now seen a more entertaining side of Channing Tatum (unless you find bad acting entertaining) that I was pleasantly surprised with. The dude is a natural movie comedian and I hope to see him in more comedy action type films(apart from the GI:Joe trying to be too serious you have to laugh at it films). So many side-splitting scenes it’s hard to count the brilliance that is this film. A definite for anyone’s DVD collection.

I know the producers of the film told me not to write this but um … god damn it! I’m going to write this anyway … I fucking love this film. They are the best band … er film ever! Ladies & gentlemen … Tenacious D!!! Wait what was I writing about again?

The EPICNESS of tenacious D aside (check out Rize of the Fenix), for all it’s comedy greatness 21 Jump St didn’t really live up to that 5 star level that Tripod Film hold in such a high regard. Some bromance scenes between Tatum and Hill were a bit awkward and unnecessary and some scenes were poorly edited(like this review to be honest). Plus the scenes without the leading duo (which was uncommon) felt lacking of the films goofy feel good atmosphere.

Fuck it! I’m nitpicking here and even though I don’t feel it merits 5 stars (for some solid reason that I just can’t think of right now), it’s still a great movie.

21 Jump Street gets 4 police academies out of 5. (4 out of 5 stars)

I thought of a good reason for 4 stars! … It’s another re-hash of something from the 80’s. Please stop. Especially Top gun 2.

Contraband

Mark Wahlberg did not wear A hat!

Right before the film started I was just hoping he’d wear a hat. I mean what are the chances of not wearing a hat in a feature long film? But to my disappointment he didn’t wear one and he didn’t even look away from an explosion in slow motion. In fact, I’m pretty sure I recall there being absolutely no explosions (or at least one very stupid explosion). Right, that’s it! Who fucking kidnapped Michael Bay?! And where is he so I can give him a medal? A solid gold transformers medal that he has to buy himself … Obviously.

I don’t think many people were taking hits from the Bong Of Destiny when they thought of this films premise.

The story is as rehashed and underwhelming as you can get in the age of raping every good franchise from the 80’s. And this film isn’t even a remake. Not that I know of anyway, unless this was secretly supposed to be the first film of the 80’s video game Contra … and the characters from that game formed a band???

But If you do want to know the story from a film that has the least scariest drug lord in Giovanni Ribisi

“To protect his brother-in-law from a drug lord, a former smuggler heads to Panama to score millions of dollars in counterfeit bills.” – Imdb. This Synopsis was brought to you by Tripod Film’s CBA(can’t be arsed) umbrella corporation, excreting the shit out of films everyday. Whoa, back up … He has to leave for Panama to protect his brother-in-law and ultimately protect his family? Just kill the drug lord and his gang or at least stay home so you can kill them in self defence if they try anything. You’re Marky mark freakin’ Max payne, freakin’ Elliot Moore, freakin’ Bob lee swagger Wahlberg and … well … you should damn well bloody do something!

This Film is so mind numbingly average!

The Acting – Distinctly average.

The Script – Distinctly average.

The Direction – Distinctly average

The thought of this film re-done in 4D and having to smell wahlberg’s B.O. – Stinkingly distinct of averageness.

By the way I’m not sure where the 4D bit came from but if I do see some smell-o-vision film in the future sometime it best not be made up of James Cameron’s farts!

Small Points of the film that weren’t actually average

Well the cargo ships holding massive amounts of containers was beautifully captured by some excellent cinematography from the same guy that did Hurt Locker, Barry Ackroyd. It did have some moments that made me laugh even if it was supposed to be unintentional i.e making homoerotic comments about some guy eating you and then joking that a guy’s room is full of pussy because there are a load of cats in there. The one gunfight scene was well done and had some Heat style aspects put in but it would have been great if there were more consistency. Especially at the end as I felt like it needed some kinda full-blown slow motion blow shit up scene however it still was a tense enough ending so it didn’t bother me too much.

Basically I give the game Contra and it’s band

Sorry, The film Contraband gets 2.5 iconic hat wearers out of 5.

and the .5 goes to …

Safe House

Denzel Walks, Will Smith Walks … Mark Wahlberg is wearing A hat!

It’s been a while guys and apart from James Knowlands great John Carter review (which you should check out if you haven’t already) I’ve been ignoring the number 1 rule of the Internet … Watch porn, whoops, erm i mean post content on a regular basis. I do apologise for not putting pure brilliance out on a weekly basis but when you ‘re busy playing the best game of the year (Mass Effect 3) it’s hard to keep track of things. But I am erected, er, I mean, effected no more!

Ryan Reynolds!? and not Marky mark!? Damn, that’s a shame! He was so good in Max Payne. I just wanted to compliment him on his amazing acting. He’s in Contraband?… I’ve Seen Contraband!

Future review of a hat wearing/non hat wearing Contraband Mark Wahlberg will come in due time. But for now the review of Safe House, that’s still in the UK cinemas would you believe even though it came out on the 24th … of February,  will be dumped on your eyes as if it was green lantern’s feces.

South Africa. CIA. Tobin Frost. Matt Weston

Safe House involves a slightly overdone but in the end good story of an ex-CIA suspected terrorist, Tobin Frost(Washington), who gives himself up to save his hide from getting shot to pieces by stereotypical Arabic people with customised Modern warfare like guns. He’s then taken to Matt Weston(Reynolds) safe house for interrogation by the CIA. The extremely misjudged Asian/African people show up that probably just wanted to go on the rubber dinghy rapids and are forced, via the script, to kill all of the CIA agents apart from Frost and Weston who are only spared so that the story can progress. Once Weston has Frost on the move and in his “supposed” captivity he has the task of keeping himself alive, keeping frost alive and keeping his girlfriend safe.

Reynolds’ hot french Girlfriend: So Where the hell have you been?

Reynolds: I was with Denzel, we homoerotically wrestled each other, then he joked if I was gay and then nothing happened after that. I swear.Apart from laughing about Mark Wahlberg wearing a hat.

Both Laugh in a maniacal fashion.

Washington and Reynolds made this film theirs. The comradery between them was quite funny at times with friendly sarcastic retorts from the two making the scenes without them seem really dull. Denzel’s performance was man on fire esque giving cold tough stares directly towards the camera making you think this guys a bad ass, if you didn’t know already and were living under the sea with Aquaman. Reynolds however not being to the same standard as his turn in Buried, although I don’t think he ever will be, filled his likeable everyman character with a ticking emotional bomb that seemed to go off every time he was knee deep in shit … which is pretty much the whole film. He did do a good job though and it’s also thanks to the same fight choreographer from the film Taken, Olivier Schneider, you weren’t pulled out of the realism that most CIA attributed films don’t show. His Character is an inexperienced fighter and it shows in the way he’s bar room brawling. It takes along time for him to put someone down that already has the jump on him and the fight scenes become as realistic as Haywires was. Thank god this had an actual story compared to Haywire.

Criticisms

The film had tense action and scenes filled with much welcomed overkill from Denzel yet became predictable in it’s own pre set Hollywood twist(now a new cocktail .. Patent pending) that you could see a mile off even if Mark Strong wasn’t cast in this film. Excluding Reynolds and Washington the rest of the cast were dull and the dialogue was way too poor in the CIA headquarters scenes that If they’d said free ice-cream I still wouldn’t of …Wait there’s free Ice Cream! Where?

Anyway this movie although solely carried by the two main leads remains a good action thriller

I give Safe House 4 mark wahlbergs with hats on (4 stars out of 5)

P.S click the pictures for more Hyperlink goodies

The Artist

Blah blah blah The Golden Globes. Blah blah blah The Baftas. Blah Blah Blah The Oscars.

The artist certainly shot to award winning fame last month and for that reason I’m going to stave away from mentioning the Oscars too much. Yes, ladies and gents, I will bring you a review without me even criticising the highly overrated award show that gives prizes to self-promoting millionaire actors whose fake smiling appearances makes my eyes pop out through sheer boredom.

Damn! I just couldn’t help myself.

All being said and done The Artist is a truly fantastic film and deserves it’s plaudits. The film is set in 1920’s in and amongst the studios of silent era Hollywood. Peppy Miller(Berenice Bejo) is an out of work actress who stumbles onto the red carpet of big film star, George Valentin’s film premiere. After getting snapped up in the papers she gets her five minutes of fame that land her in a role as an extra in Valentin’s new film. When the two meet again  they are unable to take their eyes off of each other and she gradually falls in love with him. As these heart warming scenes pass on by the technology for sound films or “talkies” came into fruition and this was Peppy’s chance to make it big time with the new young generation of film stars. But George Valentin (Jean Dujardin) is too stubborn for change and finds himself broke from losing money on his own personally financed film. With George out of work the circumstances that the two lead characters find themselves in have been reversed. Can Peppy’s love for George overcome the dividing factor of fame? Can George stop being so stupidly determined on his own silent film fame? Can I stop talking about the story and actually review the film before your eyes pop out?

Lets hope so.

I think I’ll start off by saying this film is basically a film buff’s dream. There are so many references to old black and white films, silent and sound, namely Sunset Boulevard for example. Yet it excels as being the paradigm of all the golden silent films. Of course, a silent film in an era full of Michael bay explosions, Zach Snyder Slow-motion and George Lucas franchise raping will stand out even if it wasn’t as truly sexcellent as the film turned out to be (yes, Sexcellent). Is it now suddenly overrated because of that? No chance. Especially with a wonderfully juxtaposed plot of the two leads fame and fortunes or lack thereof. Music that flows in keeping with the films mood and kept my Nicholas Cage action minded brain to the full attention of the film. Michel Hazanavicius’ Superb directing and his crafted scene of Valentin’s dream that included sound effects with a feather dropping to the sound of a huge explosion. Or is it just Dujardin’s and Bejo’s sheer drive for the possibility of there own fame that made this film stand out. Dujardin was phenomenal. In it he just seems to command every scene flawlessly and his clever facial reactions speak for themselves and the environment he is in. Bejo suited the role perfectly being young, beautiful and talented. She carried an almost mysterious persona but lacked the powerful presence of Dujardin. The other actors like John Goodman and James Cromwell did well but were out staged throughout and even the dog,uggie, merited more attention than they did. Just so you know Cromwell is that guy who played the farmer in Babe. That movie really brings home the bacon! mmm Bacon. Mmmmm Barbecue!

Anyway getting past my insane appetite for salty foods aside

I did have one criticism … when the film was truly silent and the music stopped … I got kind of bored. Damn you Nicholas Cage and Jason Statham. And damn you chuck Norris for filling my brain with too many awesome and truly sexcellent mind blowing action scenes(phew, dodged a bullet. I thought i was going to get a roadhouse kick to the face then). Apart from my one cynical nitpick, The Artist is a top film and will no doubt be referenced in other media for years to come. Even when you’re going in you don’t like the prospect of a silent movie you’ll still be leaving with a permanent smile on your face. Now how many films have done that this year?

The Artist gets 5 Awesomely awesome action stars. (5 out of 5 stars)

Chuck Norris = 5 stars.

Hmmm maybe Nicholas Cage’s eyes will pop out in Ghost Rider? Nooooo! it’s too soon!

 

Chronicle

“Dude, where’s my car?”

“You impaled it on top of that skyscraper’s antenna, remember?”

“Oh yeah … Sweet!

We like things that come in three’s at Tripodfilm. I mean, it does take three legs to make a tripod.

Now where the fuck are our powers!? So Three American high school kids get it and not us. I’m just saying we would do a much better job with these telekinesis mind fuck powers than they ever will. Oh well, I guess going to the cinema every week and getting half price tickets is the only power we are going to get.

I showcased inside-her.

Trivial boyish in-joke humour aside, Chronicle actually turned out to be a well thought out effort and not the stereotypical teen high school bromance flick that people thought it would be. The film centres around a socially awkward high school kid called Andrew who is bullied by his washed up alcoholic dad and by some of his classmates. Add to the fact that his mother is dying from cancer and it’s obvious to see there are some serious issues that he carries with him. Andrew isn’t your normal spoiled American kid. With his only “friend” being his cousin, matt, who seems to laugh at him behind his back, life isn’t looking good for him. Until he, Matt and Steve(matt’s friend that appears from nowhere) suddenly find a hole in a forest and get zapped by this alienthingymebob. Now they have superpowers! Wahey! Hilarity ensues. Especially if you haven’t seen the trailer a kaflobitybigillion amount of times.

So a bit like Hancock then?

Well they do have there fun moments and the comedy really suits the style of the film. The use of special effects became almost camouflaged from Tripodfilm’s scrutiny as scenes were funny enough for the CGI to go unnoticed. However given Andrew’s back-story you do start to understand that things can only get darker than what they already are. This is when the CGI effects pulled me out of the films flow and just seemed a little off putting at times. That said, it was the same with the Cloverfield found footage style as taking the feed from security cameras near the end was out of touch of the homemade indie cinematography at the heart of the film. To be honest the ending was just way too forced and way to in-keeping with the superhero action medium that’s hitting the silver screen at the moment(trying not to spoil this film is becoming a real bitch right now!).

Okay too deep for Hancock references … Cloverfield then?

The dialogue wasn’t the greatest at times. Just like Cloverfields flaming homeless subway guy it made some scenes a bit unforgettable when instead it should of  included more tension. Especially when they go investigate the alien meteorite hole. I mean, I could have sworn the dialogue went something like this:

“Hey Andrew, me and matt found something really interesting. I think we should take that camera and check it out.”

“What is it?”

“It’s this big hole that only the three of us should go down and check out cause no mysterious shit is going to happen. Even though it keeps making some weirdly ominous noise.”

“But shouldn’t we at least tell some more people about it first.”

“Nah, they weren’t in the trailer so they’re not allowed”

“Cool … ahhh look a flaming homeless guy!”

I’m going overboard with this as the dialogue was mostly reasonable and so was the acting. It’s not like I’m reviewing lines from Uwe Boll’s House of the dead. So a few scenes were too forced into continuing the story but all in all the actual story itself was really good and didn’t seem borrowed or influenced. It was about three teenagers who just so happens to have powers, hanging out and confronting there issues. And not a film just about the powers and what they are going to do with them. Most of it seemed faultless and the unexplained nature of the powers leaves you with unanswered questions at the end(namely is there going to be a sequel?). Sure you can reference it to Hancock, Cloverfield and maybe even Superman but it unexpectedly becomes a film in it’s own right and holds it’s own candle away from the most obvious of references.

Now if only I could do a review without referencing other films as my rating.

Chronicle gets Superman, Hancock, Cloverfield and some house of the dead zombie (4 stars out of 5).

That’s the rudest zombie I’ve ever seen. He’s dumb enough to direct Movies too.

Quick write the script for Gears of War and get this guy behind it … Nothing could go wrong.

I can see it now … Gears of war: Toast of the Dead … Chronicle.