Avengers Assemble

Yes, that’s right! You’ve read all those THORED out reviews. All those reviews that you were (nick) furious with and just wanted to run up a (maria) hill. All those reviews that just needed IRONING out and you thought to yourself … Hulk could smash up some better reviews in his sleep. He could give everyone in the world a black (widow) eye for reading the greatness he wrote on some blog that barely has 1,000 views yet. And he would fuel everyone’s previous opinion that this movie is awe-quite a bit … with some coal (son)

Oki loki, I think that’s enough puns for today let’s get on with the review … Hawkeye. 

It’s the super fun time extended epic reality adventure review this week kids! YAAAAY! (so two 21 yr old film geeks over excitingly rant about this film with a high degree of immaturity to each other… for the interwebs entertainment).

So Click here to skip the story part and head straight to mine(Jon Hughes) and James Knowlands chat review.

Following on from the end of Captain America(odd one out in terms of puns. A-merry-can?! That’s just worse than Coal-son) … anyway at the end of the first avenger they have retrieved the Cosmic Cube from the Red Skull. Cosmic Cube being some kind of mythological energy source holding insurmountable potential and the prof guy from Thor, played by Stellan Skarsgard, is trying to work his new found science/magic voodoo on it to make some kind of double rainbow. Who knows?! I really don’t care and it doesn’t matter as Loki starts wrecking the Avengers HQ up just for some attention (probably from his deep seeded emotional departure from his foster dad, Odin). Stealing the Cube and the minds of Skarsgard and that guy with the eye of hawk, he sets out to create a portal that can send an army of aliens through to make earthlings their slaves for eternity. But before the world is turned into a masters of the universe fantasy nerds wet dream, you can count on The Avengers to Assemble just in time. And to have a few issues in which they argue a lot with each other but nothing that get’s too adult in it’s theme e.g abuse, racism, drugs … so we can all live in happy producer 12A land and reap all the money we can out of it. Then The Dark knight will not rise and instead disappointedly flop (no euphemisms) in comparison.

Now let us take this initiative to assemble for our  avengers talk review.

James Knowland: So avengers? What they do wrong?

Jon Hughes:  Not much to be honest. It’s a brilliant film. The only weak points I can think were the alien bad-guys. Who were just total douche-bags. Instead of being called *googles* chitauri they are here by named The Weedy Whedons!

JK: LOL what about the name change? Avengers Assemble is awful compared to just Avengers and I dont think I’ve heard anyone use the new name anyway.

JH: No, but apart from marketing purposes, the name change doesn’t really matter to the actual film itself. It’s still The Avengers but the UK just get to assemble for it. To be honest it’s sorta growing on me now, I like it.

JK: Its only the UK that gets that crap title? And don’t let it grow on you, fungus grows, its a bad thing.
Plus points for Avengers (last word omitted)?

JH: I think so… i do have the power of the internet at my fingers… just like everyone else. But I’ll save a bit of time.

JK: Are you googling “avengers plus points”?

JH:  Noooooo. just whether it was UK exclusive title
And yes, it is
JK: Well that just seems unfair, clearly the yank way of getting back at us for getting it before them.
JH: oh well! it’s not really a stain on the movie itself so…
Anyway seeing as we were in the same cinema and I was sitting right next to you. What did you like the best?
JK: Screen time was well divided, no one character seemed to take over and even the puny human characters had there merits in the fight, oh yeah and they didn’t try to to tone down or refine the hulk thank Thor, how about you?
JH: lol well apart from going into odinsleep when the chatauri skeletor/emperor guy started talking. I’d say your pretty spot on. If you haven’t seen all the other Marvel films – Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Cap A. You might be a bit lost in character development. Plus this isn’t a film for everyone but for the kind of films I like its one of the best this year has to offer.
Especially with the comedic moments of the hulk put in there

When hulk does unrelenting force shout it goes out wrong way …

JK: Yeah does help if people have seen the origin films, particularly for Thor since he drops out of the sky with no intro and its all based round asguardian technology.
And yeah love the Hulk and Mark ruffalo who I wanted to hate for replacing Edward Norton
JH: Exactly but I’m not sure what they could have done to appease the non fan boys anyway so. Mark ruffalo was great in it I thought. he did the whole geek shy thing really well. It’s a shame to see Norton not in it for continuity reasons from the last Hulk film but then again why isn’t Eric Bana not in avengers? Even if that film sucked!
JK: Cause that Hulk version was before Marvel started making their own films the way they wanted (the right way)
JH: True.
Cheesy link coming up … what did you think of cobie smulders a.k.a Maria Hill in the film? Was she as smuldering as Johansson lol
JK: Well to make a fair judgement on that there’d have to be a swimsuit section and more importantly which one slept with me/which one was more dirty and depraved.
JH: Ha ha ha we’ll you had the chance in the film to sleep with one of them when you were the stand in for the hulk. No cgi in this movie! realistic aliens too.
JK: Yeah but work schedule got in the way, slept with some aliens though, they looked much better the night before LOL
JH: LMAO hope they didn’t give you some weird alien std. perhaps thats what loki had in his spear? lol euphemisms.
Or, you know,  just once…
JH: Can you explain to me why the Hulk suddenly became good at the end. It was a bit unexplained … to say the least.
JK: How do you mean good? As in not smash everything?
JH: Yeah, not try and kill everything in sight. Hulk sad he no smash everything anymore. Was it because of Banners meditation like abilities? Where apparently he’s always angry.

JK: At the end of the Norton version he makes a reference to “aiming it” not controlling it and at the very end he’s sat there with the metronome and triggers it voluntarily.

JH: Yeah its more back-story that a lot of people havn’t seen or forgotten. So if the whole Marvel universe isnt your thing then its not going to be as good.

JK: My theory would be that cause the first time was stress induced and Banner was fighting it the violent reaction was caused, where as later on when Banner is focused and lets it happen he has more control, kind of like putting a car in to a controlled slide, it is both controlled and uncontrolled which is the very nature of the Hulk.
JH: “We’re not a team, we’re a time bomb” suppose he meant himself there LOL. And i suppose Loki was trying to control him a little while on the Helicarrier.

JK: He did have hold of the staff just prior to it as well.

The S.H.I.E.L.D (Strategic Hazard Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate) Helicarrier.

JH: More spoiler talk:  Do we even care about the Skrull being in 2 seriously? All i care about is if Whedon is going to sign on which hasn’t happened yet.
And whether ant-man will be in the sequel!
JK:  Can’t believe that is being made, if they don’t get Whedon on board they may as well scrap it so I think I’ll wait and see on that one.
JH: Douchey aliens aside this was still everything i wanted in an avengers movie and hey loki was there being as menacing as ever so it still had a great villain just not great villains. The fight scene at the end is so badass that any nitpicks were Thored out buh dum tsch. no ironed out?! ….
JK: Yeah end fight was amazing! Makes the aliens forgiveable.
JH: Well it just makes the aliens bitch slapped into oblivion. Which is were they should of stayed. Or more importanlty hulk smashed into oblivion! I’m not talking about the elder scrolls game by the way.
Any final thoughts James? Well we haven’t talked about Fury, or Hawkeye or Coulson? But there aren’t any major spoiler alerts with those characters now are there?
JK: Well Coulson yes, Hawkeye yes and Fury no cause he’s just a mushroom cloud laying mother fucker. They’re all good, Renner in this has almost got me buying in to the bourne legacy. I was also glad to see that fury lived up to expectations cause he had only been a fleeting character previously so him having more screen time could’ve been a bit of a problem to stretch the character to more than just one liners and helpful hints.
What you reckon?
JH: I just desperately want an ant man film now! It’s supposedly being directed by Edgar Wright as well!
So just because of the rubbish tit-tari aliens and the fact there was no Ant-man we give the Avengers…
4 out of 5 superheroes that didn’t make it into the Avengers.