Safe House

Denzel Walks, Will Smith Walks … Mark Wahlberg is wearing A hat!

It’s been a while guys and apart from James Knowlands great John Carter review (which you should check out if you haven’t already) I’ve been ignoring the number 1 rule of the Internet … Watch porn, whoops, erm i mean post content on a regular basis. I do apologise for not putting pure brilliance out on a weekly basis but when you ‘re busy playing the best game of the year (Mass Effect 3) it’s hard to keep track of things. But I am erected, er, I mean, effected no more!

Ryan Reynolds!? and not Marky mark!? Damn, that’s a shame! He was so good in Max Payne. I just wanted to compliment him on his amazing acting. He’s in Contraband?… I’ve Seen Contraband!

Future review of a hat wearing/non hat wearing Contraband Mark Wahlberg will come in due time. But for now the review of Safe House, that’s still in the UK cinemas would you believe even though it came out on the 24th … of February,  will be dumped on your eyes as if it was green lantern’s feces.

South Africa. CIA. Tobin Frost. Matt Weston

Safe House involves a slightly overdone but in the end good story of an ex-CIA suspected terrorist, Tobin Frost(Washington), who gives himself up to save his hide from getting shot to pieces by stereotypical Arabic people with customised Modern warfare like guns. He’s then taken to Matt Weston(Reynolds) safe house for interrogation by the CIA. The extremely misjudged Asian/African people show up that probably just wanted to go on the rubber dinghy rapids and are forced, via the script, to kill all of the CIA agents apart from Frost and Weston who are only spared so that the story can progress. Once Weston has Frost on the move and in his “supposed” captivity he has the task of keeping himself alive, keeping frost alive and keeping his girlfriend safe.

Reynolds’ hot french Girlfriend: So Where the hell have you been?

Reynolds: I was with Denzel, we homoerotically wrestled each other, then he joked if I was gay and then nothing happened after that. I swear.Apart from laughing about Mark Wahlberg wearing a hat.

Both Laugh in a maniacal fashion.

Washington and Reynolds made this film theirs. The comradery between them was quite funny at times with friendly sarcastic retorts from the two making the scenes without them seem really dull. Denzel’s performance was man on fire esque giving cold tough stares directly towards the camera making you think this guys a bad ass, if you didn’t know already and were living under the sea with Aquaman. Reynolds however not being to the same standard as his turn in Buried, although I don’t think he ever will be, filled his likeable everyman character with a ticking emotional bomb that seemed to go off every time he was knee deep in shit … which is pretty much the whole film. He did do a good job though and it’s also thanks to the same fight choreographer from the film Taken, Olivier Schneider, you weren’t pulled out of the realism that most CIA attributed films don’t show. His Character is an inexperienced fighter and it shows in the way he’s bar room brawling. It takes along time for him to put someone down that already has the jump on him and the fight scenes become as realistic as Haywires was. Thank god this had an actual story compared to Haywire.


The film had tense action and scenes filled with much welcomed overkill from Denzel yet became predictable in it’s own pre set Hollywood twist(now a new cocktail .. Patent pending) that you could see a mile off even if Mark Strong wasn’t cast in this film. Excluding Reynolds and Washington the rest of the cast were dull and the dialogue was way too poor in the CIA headquarters scenes that If they’d said free ice-cream I still wouldn’t of …Wait there’s free Ice Cream! Where?

Anyway this movie although solely carried by the two main leads remains a good action thriller

I give Safe House 4 mark wahlbergs with hats on (4 stars out of 5)

P.S click the pictures for more Hyperlink goodies


John Carter

Gambit goes to Mars and finds Wolverines dead girlfriend

Some background, John Carter is based on a series of comics (Barsoom series) from 1912 the first one  which was almost made in 1931 as an animated movie which would’ve made it the first ever, before Snow White in 1936, but it never quite happened and has been around a few times since with Disney trying again in the 1980’s, Paramount in 2004 with two different directors (Robert Rodriguez and Jon Favreau) then selling back to Disney for it to finally be made. So 100 years since it was published and 79 years since the first attempt until it got the go ahead.

Set in ye olde Victorian times and Mars as well obviously, the former being the opening for the film and its narrative, which I’m not necessarily a fan of but it does serve a purpose and is not present for the majority of the film, moving on John Carter is an ex Cavalry man who fought in the civil war (can’t remember what colour his coat was but pretty sure he fought on our side because he knew what was good for him) and for some reason now hunts for treasure when he stumbles on something and gets transported to Mars/Barsoom where he can jump really high and has hulk style strength.

Taylor Kitsch in the titular role is ok (my vocabulary is outstanding, I know) it’s hard to say much more, he does a decent job of being confused (and annoyed) but can’t help but feel the script yields little more for him to play with apart from the occasional far off look in his eye as he remembers… stuff (no spoilers here). John Carters powers seem a bit inconsistent as well, particularly his strength, capable of breaking prison chains and killing a Thark in one punch yet unable to break a similar chain or even some leather bindings later on as well as surrendering when he should be punching aliens in the face and getting on with his day. Lynn Collins plays Dejah Thoris a human like Martian who happens to be a princess (and happens to be really hot while sporting some sexy metal pants), her role alternates between damsel in distress and sword wielding Amazonian goddess (ok she’s not actually a goddess or Amazonian but hot warrior princess doesn’t sound as good), Collins does a good job with this particularly as she tries to convince John carter to save mars but falls short on being anything more than two dimensional, save my planet and oh new strange half naked man that’s forbidden fruit is about as complex as it gets, that coupled the inconsistency of Amazonian damsel warrior goddess in distress does not do this film any favours even if it/she looks good. Support roles mostly covered by CG actors, Willem Dafoe being one of them, Ciaran Hinds as Dejah Thoris’ Father and in a shocking new role is Mark Strong as a bad man (yes, I am being sarcastic and no, I am not better than that but he’s always evil save for when he played Archie in Rock’n’Rolla).

Far as I’m aware a lot of filming was done in Utah to double as the baron red planet (most of the series was also written in Utah), which is believable enough adding in the CG settlements and effects I can see where the budget went, it does look pretty amazing and I think only once I managed to spot a glimpse of an anomaly. That being said the 3D must be acknowledged and in the case of John Carter it is largely pointless, it didn’t seem to add much to the film at all, given that it’s Disney and has a 12a rating I was expected more things coming out of the screen, admittedly it added depth to the landscapes which probably made it easier to buy in to being on Mars but served little purpose other than that; can’t help but wonder how much of the mega budget went towards it.

Verdict time but first I’m going to ramble on a bit mainly about this films crazy budget and how much I keep hearing stupid US sites going on about what a major flop it is without mentioning if the film is any good or not. The budget is reported to be $250 million with an additional $100 million on advertising which it is not earning back but those kind of takings are usually reserved for summer blockbusters, even then the cinemas keep about half of it so really the bad press is only down to Disney for being so incredibly stupid, taking a series that virtually no one has ever heard of and getting a front man who almost is as equally unknown (for now, he should be pretty big soon with Battleship coming up as well) and pumping in so much money even past the original $150 million budget, in short heads deserve to roll for such a gargantuan cock up. Why am I so bothered about this? Because despite all its flaws John Carter is enjoyable, with it being a series I would expect another film to follow but thanks to poor budgeting and a complete misjudgement of the market it looks incredibly unlikely. It’s an enjoyable enough adventure with truly impressive detail and effects but suffers due to lack of depth and consistency in the characters and a storyline which is fairly predictable except for one twist somewhere in the film, there are a few one liners and things which are kind of funny which certainly adds a likeability to the film. I say John Carter deserves the three breasted alien from Total Recall so 3 boobs equals 3 stars.

Sorry all the pictures I could find were censored, go else where for boobage. And here’s the trailer for anyone who’s not seen it:

John Carter was reviewed in boobage loads of content by James Knowland.

The Artist

Blah blah blah The Golden Globes. Blah blah blah The Baftas. Blah Blah Blah The Oscars.

The artist certainly shot to award winning fame last month and for that reason I’m going to stave away from mentioning the Oscars too much. Yes, ladies and gents, I will bring you a review without me even criticising the highly overrated award show that gives prizes to self-promoting millionaire actors whose fake smiling appearances makes my eyes pop out through sheer boredom.

Damn! I just couldn’t help myself.

All being said and done The Artist is a truly fantastic film and deserves it’s plaudits. The film is set in 1920’s in and amongst the studios of silent era Hollywood. Peppy Miller(Berenice Bejo) is an out of work actress who stumbles onto the red carpet of big film star, George Valentin’s film premiere. After getting snapped up in the papers she gets her five minutes of fame that land her in a role as an extra in Valentin’s new film. When the two meet again  they are unable to take their eyes off of each other and she gradually falls in love with him. As these heart warming scenes pass on by the technology for sound films or “talkies” came into fruition and this was Peppy’s chance to make it big time with the new young generation of film stars. But George Valentin (Jean Dujardin) is too stubborn for change and finds himself broke from losing money on his own personally financed film. With George out of work the circumstances that the two lead characters find themselves in have been reversed. Can Peppy’s love for George overcome the dividing factor of fame? Can George stop being so stupidly determined on his own silent film fame? Can I stop talking about the story and actually review the film before your eyes pop out?

Lets hope so.

I think I’ll start off by saying this film is basically a film buff’s dream. There are so many references to old black and white films, silent and sound, namely Sunset Boulevard for example. Yet it excels as being the paradigm of all the golden silent films. Of course, a silent film in an era full of Michael bay explosions, Zach Snyder Slow-motion and George Lucas franchise raping will stand out even if it wasn’t as truly sexcellent as the film turned out to be (yes, Sexcellent). Is it now suddenly overrated because of that? No chance. Especially with a wonderfully juxtaposed plot of the two leads fame and fortunes or lack thereof. Music that flows in keeping with the films mood and kept my Nicholas Cage action minded brain to the full attention of the film. Michel Hazanavicius’ Superb directing and his crafted scene of Valentin’s dream that included sound effects with a feather dropping to the sound of a huge explosion. Or is it just Dujardin’s and Bejo’s sheer drive for the possibility of there own fame that made this film stand out. Dujardin was phenomenal. In it he just seems to command every scene flawlessly and his clever facial reactions speak for themselves and the environment he is in. Bejo suited the role perfectly being young, beautiful and talented. She carried an almost mysterious persona but lacked the powerful presence of Dujardin. The other actors like John Goodman and James Cromwell did well but were out staged throughout and even the dog,uggie, merited more attention than they did. Just so you know Cromwell is that guy who played the farmer in Babe. That movie really brings home the bacon! mmm Bacon. Mmmmm Barbecue!

Anyway getting past my insane appetite for salty foods aside

I did have one criticism … when the film was truly silent and the music stopped … I got kind of bored. Damn you Nicholas Cage and Jason Statham. And damn you chuck Norris for filling my brain with too many awesome and truly sexcellent mind blowing action scenes(phew, dodged a bullet. I thought i was going to get a roadhouse kick to the face then). Apart from my one cynical nitpick, The Artist is a top film and will no doubt be referenced in other media for years to come. Even when you’re going in you don’t like the prospect of a silent movie you’ll still be leaving with a permanent smile on your face. Now how many films have done that this year?

The Artist gets 5 Awesomely awesome action stars. (5 out of 5 stars)

Chuck Norris = 5 stars.

Hmmm maybe Nicholas Cage’s eyes will pop out in Ghost Rider? Nooooo! it’s too soon!