Ultimate Film Reviews of Ultimate Destiny!!!

So it’s been a while since I last posted anything … Whoops! But it isn’t entirely my fault as I had no Internet for about 2 bloody weeks!!!!

Anyway I decided that I just review all the reviews that I missed by just choosing which Youtube video suits them the best.

You’ll get the idea.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

The Amazing Spiderman

Play these at the same time!

The Dark Knight Rises:

Yes… I know I’m really lazy!

But guess what?

(SUPER KICK TO THE FACE)

Snow White And The Huntsman

Snow White And The Huntsman… and the Pizza Boy and the Mechanic and the Gym Instructor and that’ll probably do.

Now I can’t say I watched the Disney cartoon version to remind me of the original story, just not something I was willing to do, did watch it when I was 5 so it’s a bit hazy but largely irrelevant to this film; though it does give the odd nod to certain things and keeps certain pieces of the originals plot so that it’s still snow White in more than name.

Kristen Stewart is Snow White and she’s really in familiar territory, wide eyed innocence, mouth slightly aghast with a slight petrifying fear of almost everything for certainly first half of the film, she gains a bit more attitude as it goes on which is certainly needed to make her more likeable and it’s not that she does a bad job at all, it’s just familiar territory which leaves her role feeling like a safe bet despite being done well. Chris Hemsworth as the huntsman who for reasons I don’t understand is Scottish (for most of the time) possibly to seem less Thor-ish, not sure it was really necessary though given that he’s more grizzled, in need of a shower with some head and shoulders or sleek and shine to get Thor’s glossy coat and most importantly he’s wielding an axe as opposed to the one handed blunt force weapon of legend Mjolnir (I did have to look that up also I’ve decided axes may be the weapon of the year with Abe Lincoln opting for one as well and that there must be some kind axe martial art being created, Axe-Jitsu or Tae-Axe-Do or something). Accent aside Hemsworth is plenty convincing as the emotionally damaged brute with a soft spot. Chalize Theron is Ravenna the ice queen and evil step mother to Snow White who likes nothing more than to suck the life out of things (….lol) as well as remaining on her quest for immortality for which Snow may just be the answer, Theron really delivers the best performance remaining permanently cold and sharp tongued with sinister things brewing under the surface even down to the way she moves implies she’s almost other worldly. Also worth mentioning are the Dwarves, no not the singing type, these Dwarves actually fight and supply some humour along the way, a bonus then that they are played by some big names; Nick Frost, Ian McShane, Bob Hoskings and Ray Winstone amongst them.

On the plus side for this film is that Burton (as in Tim) didn’t get a hold of it, which when I first heard of it I thought may be the case and feared another Alice In Wonderland. It’s a more modern take on the idea, particularly throwing the Huntsman in to the mix, some violence and the Queen having more of a God complex as opposed to just not liking Snow because she’s pretty. I have to say its kind of hard to go through the successes and short comings of Snow White (partially because this review has been written over two weeks and I forget but) mainly because there are no glaring errors and equally nothing astonishing of note, slight plot hole how Snow suddenly develops a spine.

So an enjoyable enough re-imagining and it left room for a sequel, which given the ground work this film has already laid down, I would be quite happy to go and see, guess that means it gets 3 open mouthed Kristen Stewarts or 3 stars, point being that does that girl have any need of a nose?

Not sure I care why she keeps doing it but can’t say I’d be complaining, I kept my thing for her out of the review but it had to be mentioned at some point. Anyway here’s the trailer:

Avengers Assemble

Yes, that’s right! You’ve read all those THORED out reviews. All those reviews that you were (nick) furious with and just wanted to run up a (maria) hill. All those reviews that just needed IRONING out and you thought to yourself … Hulk could smash up some better reviews in his sleep. He could give everyone in the world a black (widow) eye for reading the greatness he wrote on some blog that barely has 1,000 views yet. And he would fuel everyone’s previous opinion that this movie is awe-quite a bit … with some coal (son)

Oki loki, I think that’s enough puns for today let’s get on with the review … Hawkeye. 

It’s the super fun time extended epic reality adventure review this week kids! YAAAAY! (so two 21 yr old film geeks over excitingly rant about this film with a high degree of immaturity to each other… for the interwebs entertainment).

So Click here to skip the story part and head straight to mine(Jon Hughes) and James Knowlands chat review.

Following on from the end of Captain America(odd one out in terms of puns. A-merry-can?! That’s just worse than Coal-son) … anyway at the end of the first avenger they have retrieved the Cosmic Cube from the Red Skull. Cosmic Cube being some kind of mythological energy source holding insurmountable potential and the prof guy from Thor, played by Stellan Skarsgard, is trying to work his new found science/magic voodoo on it to make some kind of double rainbow. Who knows?! I really don’t care and it doesn’t matter as Loki starts wrecking the Avengers HQ up just for some attention (probably from his deep seeded emotional departure from his foster dad, Odin). Stealing the Cube and the minds of Skarsgard and that guy with the eye of hawk, he sets out to create a portal that can send an army of aliens through to make earthlings their slaves for eternity. But before the world is turned into a masters of the universe fantasy nerds wet dream, you can count on The Avengers to Assemble just in time. And to have a few issues in which they argue a lot with each other but nothing that get’s too adult in it’s theme e.g abuse, racism, drugs … so we can all live in happy producer 12A land and reap all the money we can out of it. Then The Dark knight will not rise and instead disappointedly flop (no euphemisms) in comparison.


Now let us take this initiative to assemble for our  avengers talk review.

James Knowland: So avengers? What they do wrong?

Jon Hughes:  Not much to be honest. It’s a brilliant film. The only weak points I can think were the alien bad-guys. Who were just total douche-bags. Instead of being called *googles* chitauri they are here by named The Weedy Whedons!

JK: LOL what about the name change? Avengers Assemble is awful compared to just Avengers and I dont think I’ve heard anyone use the new name anyway.

JH: No, but apart from marketing purposes, the name change doesn’t really matter to the actual film itself. It’s still The Avengers but the UK just get to assemble for it. To be honest it’s sorta growing on me now, I like it.

JK: Its only the UK that gets that crap title? And don’t let it grow on you, fungus grows, its a bad thing.
Plus points for Avengers (last word omitted)?

JH: I think so… i do have the power of the internet at my fingers… just like everyone else. But I’ll save a bit of time.

JK: Are you googling “avengers plus points”?

JH:  Noooooo. just whether it was UK exclusive title
And yes, it is
JK: Well that just seems unfair, clearly the yank way of getting back at us for getting it before them.
JH: oh well! it’s not really a stain on the movie itself so…
Anyway seeing as we were in the same cinema and I was sitting right next to you. What did you like the best?
JK: Screen time was well divided, no one character seemed to take over and even the puny human characters had there merits in the fight, oh yeah and they didn’t try to to tone down or refine the hulk thank Thor, how about you?
JH: lol well apart from going into odinsleep when the chatauri skeletor/emperor guy started talking. I’d say your pretty spot on. If you haven’t seen all the other Marvel films – Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Cap A. You might be a bit lost in character development. Plus this isn’t a film for everyone but for the kind of films I like its one of the best this year has to offer.
Especially with the comedic moments of the hulk put in there

When hulk does unrelenting force shout it goes out wrong way …
FUS RO FART!

JK: Yeah does help if people have seen the origin films, particularly for Thor since he drops out of the sky with no intro and its all based round asguardian technology.
And yeah love the Hulk and Mark ruffalo who I wanted to hate for replacing Edward Norton
JH: Exactly but I’m not sure what they could have done to appease the non fan boys anyway so. Mark ruffalo was great in it I thought. he did the whole geek shy thing really well. It’s a shame to see Norton not in it for continuity reasons from the last Hulk film but then again why isn’t Eric Bana not in avengers? Even if that film sucked!
JK: Cause that Hulk version was before Marvel started making their own films the way they wanted (the right way)
JH: True.
Cheesy link coming up … what did you think of cobie smulders a.k.a Maria Hill in the film? Was she as smuldering as Johansson lol
JK: Well to make a fair judgement on that there’d have to be a swimsuit section and more importantly which one slept with me/which one was more dirty and depraved.
JH: Ha ha ha we’ll you had the chance in the film to sleep with one of them when you were the stand in for the hulk. No cgi in this movie! realistic aliens too.
JK: Yeah but work schedule got in the way, slept with some aliens though, they looked much better the night before LOL
JH: LMAO hope they didn’t give you some weird alien std. perhaps thats what loki had in his spear? lol euphemisms.
SPOILER TALK! ONLY FOR THOSE THAT HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE AT LEAST THOR TIMES!
Or, you know,  just once…
JH: Can you explain to me why the Hulk suddenly became good at the end. It was a bit unexplained … to say the least.
JK: How do you mean good? As in not smash everything?
JH: Yeah, not try and kill everything in sight. Hulk sad he no smash everything anymore. Was it because of Banners meditation like abilities? Where apparently he’s always angry.

JK: At the end of the Norton version he makes a reference to “aiming it” not controlling it and at the very end he’s sat there with the metronome and triggers it voluntarily.

JH: Yeah its more back-story that a lot of people havn’t seen or forgotten. So if the whole Marvel universe isnt your thing then its not going to be as good.

JK: My theory would be that cause the first time was stress induced and Banner was fighting it the violent reaction was caused, where as later on when Banner is focused and lets it happen he has more control, kind of like putting a car in to a controlled slide, it is both controlled and uncontrolled which is the very nature of the Hulk.
JH: “We’re not a team, we’re a time bomb” suppose he meant himself there LOL. And i suppose Loki was trying to control him a little while on the Helicarrier.

JK: He did have hold of the staff just prior to it as well.

The S.H.I.E.L.D (Strategic Hazard Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate) Helicarrier.

JH: More spoiler talk:  Do we even care about the Skrull being in 2 seriously? All i care about is if Whedon is going to sign on which hasn’t happened yet.
And whether ant-man will be in the sequel!
JK:  Can’t believe that is being made, if they don’t get Whedon on board they may as well scrap it so I think I’ll wait and see on that one.
SPOILERS END.
JH: Douchey aliens aside this was still everything i wanted in an avengers movie and hey loki was there being as menacing as ever so it still had a great villain just not great villains. The fight scene at the end is so badass that any nitpicks were Thored out buh dum tsch. no ironed out?! ….
JK: Yeah end fight was amazing! Makes the aliens forgiveable.
JH: Well it just makes the aliens bitch slapped into oblivion. Which is were they should of stayed. Or more importanlty hulk smashed into oblivion! I’m not talking about the elder scrolls game by the way.
Any final thoughts James? Well we haven’t talked about Fury, or Hawkeye or Coulson? But there aren’t any major spoiler alerts with those characters now are there?
JK: Well Coulson yes, Hawkeye yes and Fury no cause he’s just a mushroom cloud laying mother fucker. They’re all good, Renner in this has almost got me buying in to the bourne legacy. I was also glad to see that fury lived up to expectations cause he had only been a fleeting character previously so him having more screen time could’ve been a bit of a problem to stretch the character to more than just one liners and helpful hints.
What you reckon?
JH: I just desperately want an ant man film now! It’s supposedly being directed by Edgar Wright as well!
So just because of the rubbish tit-tari aliens and the fact there was no Ant-man we give the Avengers…
4 out of 5 superheroes that didn’t make it into the Avengers.

21 Jump Street

They’re too old for this shift

Shut up Internet! I know I’m supposed to roll out weekly content for anyone to give a damn about my blog but I’m a busy guy, ok! That is if you count playing the xbox as being busy then I suppose that last comment was true… ish.

#I’mNerdyandyouknowit

soo anywho … 21 Jump st review! oh yeah, I’m supposed to be doing that … three weeks ago!!!

Channing Tatum and Jonah hill are two high school drop-outs(go to the same school btw) and yet aren’t the best of friends because of schools own stereotypical social stature. e.g Hill is the nerd and Tatum the jock. Once they both find themselves in police academy (8) they suddenly find themselves becoming the best of friends. But however they’re not the greatest at their job and so they are sent to 21 jump St (undercover high school police operation) to stop a new type of drug being dealt around schools. Meanwhile they now have to go through the new updated high school social groups (with Hill now popular and Tatum with the nerds), still being criticised as worthy policemen and are in turn hilariously lectured by Ice cube.

First off … This movie is probably the funniest movie of the year. The drug scene in which they have 5 different stages of tripping, is just balls out funny (I’m so witty with my comments). Jonah hill is at his comedic best but I’ve now seen a more entertaining side of Channing Tatum (unless you find bad acting entertaining) that I was pleasantly surprised with. The dude is a natural movie comedian and I hope to see him in more comedy action type films(apart from the GI:Joe trying to be too serious you have to laugh at it films). So many side-splitting scenes it’s hard to count the brilliance that is this film. A definite for anyone’s DVD collection.

I know the producers of the film told me not to write this but um … god damn it! I’m going to write this anyway … I fucking love this film. They are the best band … er film ever! Ladies & gentlemen … Tenacious D!!! Wait what was I writing about again?

The EPICNESS of tenacious D aside (check out Rize of the Fenix), for all it’s comedy greatness 21 Jump St didn’t really live up to that 5 star level that Tripod Film hold in such a high regard. Some bromance scenes between Tatum and Hill were a bit awkward and unnecessary and some scenes were poorly edited(like this review to be honest). Plus the scenes without the leading duo (which was uncommon) felt lacking of the films goofy feel good atmosphere.

Fuck it! I’m nitpicking here and even though I don’t feel it merits 5 stars (for some solid reason that I just can’t think of right now), it’s still a great movie.

21 Jump Street gets 4 police academies out of 5. (4 out of 5 stars)

I thought of a good reason for 4 stars! … It’s another re-hash of something from the 80’s. Please stop. Especially Top gun 2.

Hunger Games

Hunger games
It’s Hungry Hungry Hippos the movie…or it could be based on a book or something.

Hunger games is here, based on a book that I’ve not read to be made in to film that I know little about but I’ve now seen so I know if it’s any good.

Hunger games is set somewhere in the future where since the uprising against the Capitol by the twelve districts, which the districts lost they must now offer a tribute of one male and one female aged between 12 and 18 to compete in a battle/survival to the death in an arena, I say survival because they also need to find food, water and shelter and some die through that rather than actual bludgeoning.

The cast are unknown to me for the most part (except for Jennifer Lawrence who was mystique in X-Men First Class) but with some well known support from Stanley Tucci, Elizabeth Banks, Donald Sutherland and Woody Harrelson, who I think is brilliant and probably the best thing about this film. The lead role of Katniss played by Jeniffer Lawrence is, by my verdict, stale and Victorian, the idea that pausing before you say everything builds suspense only works in certain situations (like if you’re The Driver in Drive) here it serves simply to make her look like she’s struggling to grasp the concept of what’s going on or indeed decipher the words that have been said; her attitude is pathetic and spineless given her situation, she wants to survive and get home but pussy foots around like eventually they’ll all just get along. Josh Hutcherson plays Peeta, the other guy from district 12 who is much more interesting than Katniss as his agenda is unclear at points and he’s capable of speech without severe mental strain, there is a recurring flash back with him in that is never fully explained as to why he is doing what he’s doing and the consequences that followed *plot hole*. Woody Harrelson is their trainer, he drinks heavily and is rather blunt which suits him, also his hair is beautiful and makes him look much younger but more importantly he is likeable, a quality which many characters are lacking.

The setting is fictional, the districts look poor and the city look grand (ok it is well designed), the future people in the city however look ridiculous, like if Lady Gaga and Tim Burton’s imagination had a baby that was allowed to dress itself at age 8. The district people just look like peasants which is ok.

Now to really have a go, the action is ridiculous. Every time there is violence going on the camera shake is awful, it’s like *fighting* *camera shake* * camera shake* *camera shake* * oh look someone died/is dying/is injured* lucky the camera man had a minor fit to keep the 12a rating intact, it is truly atrocious. Apparently you don’t need to read the books at all either for this to make sense but I didn’t and at the end of the film after the initial feel good vibe wears off it turns rather hollow, without knowing where it’s heading I’m not sure I’d see the sequel, certain glances, lack of back story and a lack of information, the worst for that being the hunger games itself with the technology able to conjure fireballs and holograms that aren’t really holograms since they can tear you to pieces, all produced from nothing and at no point is the geography of the arena mentioned or how it’s intelligently designed or how it’s evolved since the first hunger games, say from being a death pit worthy of Roman gladiators to the now very complex game where everyone’s attributes can aid them in surviving. Just zero explanation or back story other than it was born out of the uprising. Lastly the guy who seems to be of some importance and the love interest at the start, or so you would assume, is of no consequence, maybe it’ll tie off in the next film but then to know that and make this film make sense we would somehow have to look in to the future… or read the books.

My verdict as you may have guessed will not follow the trend of the shiny 4 and 5 star reviews this film has had. The biggest reason I am yet to mention this is that this film is dull, certainly the first half of it, just feels like you’re sat there waiting for the main event (the hunger games) to get going, it was really dragging and in a 2hr 20 minute film it’s all the more noticeable. So this film is not essential as it’s claimed to be nor is it all that great, it lacks realism in its characters and their behaviour. For this reason and the others that I’ve ranted about it gets 2 films which are meant to be great but were just really disappointing (at least I thought they were), so that’s 2 stars out of 5.

And if I haven’t put you off too much here’s the trailer:

Sorry for the lack of hyperlinks and humour in this review

Contraband

Mark Wahlberg did not wear A hat!

Right before the film started I was just hoping he’d wear a hat. I mean what are the chances of not wearing a hat in a feature long film? But to my disappointment he didn’t wear one and he didn’t even look away from an explosion in slow motion. In fact, I’m pretty sure I recall there being absolutely no explosions (or at least one very stupid explosion). Right, that’s it! Who fucking kidnapped Michael Bay?! And where is he so I can give him a medal? A solid gold transformers medal that he has to buy himself … Obviously.

I don’t think many people were taking hits from the Bong Of Destiny when they thought of this films premise.

The story is as rehashed and underwhelming as you can get in the age of raping every good franchise from the 80’s. And this film isn’t even a remake. Not that I know of anyway, unless this was secretly supposed to be the first film of the 80’s video game Contra … and the characters from that game formed a band???

But If you do want to know the story from a film that has the least scariest drug lord in Giovanni Ribisi

“To protect his brother-in-law from a drug lord, a former smuggler heads to Panama to score millions of dollars in counterfeit bills.” – Imdb. This Synopsis was brought to you by Tripod Film’s CBA(can’t be arsed) umbrella corporation, excreting the shit out of films everyday. Whoa, back up … He has to leave for Panama to protect his brother-in-law and ultimately protect his family? Just kill the drug lord and his gang or at least stay home so you can kill them in self defence if they try anything. You’re Marky mark freakin’ Max payne, freakin’ Elliot Moore, freakin’ Bob lee swagger Wahlberg and … well … you should damn well bloody do something!

This Film is so mind numbingly average!

The Acting – Distinctly average.

The Script – Distinctly average.

The Direction – Distinctly average

The thought of this film re-done in 4D and having to smell wahlberg’s B.O. – Stinkingly distinct of averageness.

By the way I’m not sure where the 4D bit came from but if I do see some smell-o-vision film in the future sometime it best not be made up of James Cameron’s farts!

Small Points of the film that weren’t actually average

Well the cargo ships holding massive amounts of containers was beautifully captured by some excellent cinematography from the same guy that did Hurt Locker, Barry Ackroyd. It did have some moments that made me laugh even if it was supposed to be unintentional i.e making homoerotic comments about some guy eating you and then joking that a guy’s room is full of pussy because there are a load of cats in there. The one gunfight scene was well done and had some Heat style aspects put in but it would have been great if there were more consistency. Especially at the end as I felt like it needed some kinda full-blown slow motion blow shit up scene however it still was a tense enough ending so it didn’t bother me too much.

Basically I give the game Contra and it’s band

Sorry, The film Contraband gets 2.5 iconic hat wearers out of 5.

and the .5 goes to …

Safe House

Denzel Walks, Will Smith Walks … Mark Wahlberg is wearing A hat!

It’s been a while guys and apart from James Knowlands great John Carter review (which you should check out if you haven’t already) I’ve been ignoring the number 1 rule of the Internet … Watch porn, whoops, erm i mean post content on a regular basis. I do apologise for not putting pure brilliance out on a weekly basis but when you ‘re busy playing the best game of the year (Mass Effect 3) it’s hard to keep track of things. But I am erected, er, I mean, effected no more!

Ryan Reynolds!? and not Marky mark!? Damn, that’s a shame! He was so good in Max Payne. I just wanted to compliment him on his amazing acting. He’s in Contraband?… I’ve Seen Contraband!

Future review of a hat wearing/non hat wearing Contraband Mark Wahlberg will come in due time. But for now the review of Safe House, that’s still in the UK cinemas would you believe even though it came out on the 24th … of February,  will be dumped on your eyes as if it was green lantern’s feces.

South Africa. CIA. Tobin Frost. Matt Weston

Safe House involves a slightly overdone but in the end good story of an ex-CIA suspected terrorist, Tobin Frost(Washington), who gives himself up to save his hide from getting shot to pieces by stereotypical Arabic people with customised Modern warfare like guns. He’s then taken to Matt Weston(Reynolds) safe house for interrogation by the CIA. The extremely misjudged Asian/African people show up that probably just wanted to go on the rubber dinghy rapids and are forced, via the script, to kill all of the CIA agents apart from Frost and Weston who are only spared so that the story can progress. Once Weston has Frost on the move and in his “supposed” captivity he has the task of keeping himself alive, keeping frost alive and keeping his girlfriend safe.

Reynolds’ hot french Girlfriend: So Where the hell have you been?

Reynolds: I was with Denzel, we homoerotically wrestled each other, then he joked if I was gay and then nothing happened after that. I swear.Apart from laughing about Mark Wahlberg wearing a hat.

Both Laugh in a maniacal fashion.

Washington and Reynolds made this film theirs. The comradery between them was quite funny at times with friendly sarcastic retorts from the two making the scenes without them seem really dull. Denzel’s performance was man on fire esque giving cold tough stares directly towards the camera making you think this guys a bad ass, if you didn’t know already and were living under the sea with Aquaman. Reynolds however not being to the same standard as his turn in Buried, although I don’t think he ever will be, filled his likeable everyman character with a ticking emotional bomb that seemed to go off every time he was knee deep in shit … which is pretty much the whole film. He did do a good job though and it’s also thanks to the same fight choreographer from the film Taken, Olivier Schneider, you weren’t pulled out of the realism that most CIA attributed films don’t show. His Character is an inexperienced fighter and it shows in the way he’s bar room brawling. It takes along time for him to put someone down that already has the jump on him and the fight scenes become as realistic as Haywires was. Thank god this had an actual story compared to Haywire.

Criticisms

The film had tense action and scenes filled with much welcomed overkill from Denzel yet became predictable in it’s own pre set Hollywood twist(now a new cocktail .. Patent pending) that you could see a mile off even if Mark Strong wasn’t cast in this film. Excluding Reynolds and Washington the rest of the cast were dull and the dialogue was way too poor in the CIA headquarters scenes that If they’d said free ice-cream I still wouldn’t of …Wait there’s free Ice Cream! Where?

Anyway this movie although solely carried by the two main leads remains a good action thriller

I give Safe House 4 mark wahlbergs with hats on (4 stars out of 5)

P.S click the pictures for more Hyperlink goodies